Meant to Be?
by cheeza
Summary: FINAL CHAPTER! FINAL CHAPTER! FINAL CHAPTER! Are they meant to be?
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters but...It's my 18th birthday soon so...fingers crossed!!  
  
Set: After Secrets and Lies  
  
Note: This is my first Fan fic ever so please review and let me know if I should bother picking up a pen again!!  
  
  
Meant To Be...?  
  
  
Susan:You should tell her!  
  
Carter:Who? (gives in) Tell her what?  
  
Susan:That you're desparately in love with her and can't live another moment without her.  
  
Carter:(smiles) Really?  
  
Susan: You're hopeless  
  
*************************  
  
Abby and Gallant walked along the street, heading to County to start their shifts. Gallant was chatting away by her side but she wasn't paying any attention. She was thinking about today and that stupid sexual harrassment seminar. She had been dreading it this morning but it had been kinda interesting. She had learned loads about Susan, Luka, Gallant and even Carter. Carter. She thought about his behaviour today. She had noticed the way he kept trying to compete with Luka, as if desparate for approval. She couldn't believe he had lost his temper like that. It was so out of character. She was beginning to worry about his, considering the way he was acting plus the fact that things between him and Susan seemed kinda strained. She didn't really like the fact that he had started dating Dr Lewis, but she didn't want to see him get hurt.  
  
"So, what time are you on til Abby?" Gallant asked.  
  
"Erm... I'm on a 12 hour. Off at 8 am." She wrapped her coat tighter round her body. "You?"  
  
She didn't listen to his answer. Her thoughts drifted back to what Susan had said earlier. Was Carter really still hung up on her? Probably not. 'It doesn't matter!' She thought, 'I don't care'   
  
Yeah Right!! Who was she kidding? She thought about how good he looked when he was fencing. So gorgeous! She wanted to talk to him, tell him how she felt but...No! I'm over him. He's with Susan and I don't care! She repeated this to herself over and over again hoping it would sink in.  
  
***************************  
  
John, meanwhile was headed hom. Should he tell her? He knew he still loved her it's just...waht would he say?  
  
'Well hi there Abby! How's it going? Fine? Good. Oh, by-the-way, did I mention I was in love with you? No? Well there you go!'  
  
He shook his head. Yeah John, real smooth He promised he would tell her tomorrow. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?  
  
Oh God!  
  
**************************  
  
"Okay you guys," Abby yawned walking by the Nurses station, "I'm gone! See ya later"   
  
"Yeah bye Abby" Chuny said  
  
Abby pushed open the ER doors and was bit by the icy Chicago air. She pulled her coat around her and lit up a cigarette. It ha been a long, really slow night. She was back on again in a few hours.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
Abby looked up, hearing a familiar voice. "Hey Carter. How's it going?"  
  
"Yeah okay"  
  
She reached up and touched the cut he got from Luka. She felt a jolt of electricity go through her as she touched his cheek. He felt it too and pulled back slightly before relaxing.  
  
"Looks nasty." She whispered, barely controlling her voice.  
  
  
He looked down at her, "It's fine, really"  
  
"Hm?" She looked up into his eyes. He was so close, she thought 'I could just lean up and...kiss him' John was looking down thinking exactly the same thing. But he knew this wasn't the time, or the place. He was gonna tell her how he felt before he did anything about it. He broke their look.  
  
"Erm, you wanna have some lunch later?" He asked.  
  
Abby shook herself and looked away trying to hide the red colour flushing to her chheks. She tried to focus on what he was saying.  
  
"Um... I've got some stuff to do so..."  
  
"Look don't worry about, some other time" he unsuccessfully tried to hide his disappointment. "So what you up to? It's gotta be pretty great if it's worth missing lunch with me." He said attempting to cover his disappointment with a joke. Abby laughed too.  
  
"Yeah, right! I'm actually moving back into my apartment." She saw the worried look on his face. "Don't worry, Brian's gone. He moved out - finally!" She noticed John looked pleased.  
  
"So... You won't be living with living with Luka anymore?" He grinned  
  
"No. It was just a temporary anyway."  
  
"Yeah, right. Well...I gotta go" he signalled towards the door.  
  
"Okay. I'll see you later - k?" She turned and walked off after Carter nodded.  
  
'I am gonna tell her, I am gonna tell her!' He pushed open the door and was sucked into the madness that was the ER 


	2. chapter 2

A Couple of days past and John still hadn't told Abby how he felt. He was still wondering how to approach the subject. He didn't want to freak her out or make her angry. He stood in the Doctor's Lounge thinking. He began pacing. 

"Abby," he began, "you know back in May when I said I couldn't be your friend anymore...?" He stopped. 'No that'd probably just annoy her' he thought. 

"Abby, we've been friends for a while now...and things have...erm...deveoped..." 

'No, dammit. You sound like an idiot!' He sighed. 

"I don't really know how to tell you this, so here goes...I wanna be with you, I wanna be more than friends..." 

"WOW, you really like that chair, huh? You want me to give you a minute alone?" 

Carter spun round and saw Susan Lewis standing laughing in the doorway. He shuffled his feet, looking at the floor, his face bright red. He hadn't heard the door open. 

"Hi" he said meekly 

"I take it the chair is Abby. At least I hope it is..." 

"Yeah" 

"Well, don't let me disturb you...I just left...oh there it is." She said crossing to the table and grabbing the chart she had left there earlier. She laughed at him again before walking out the door, not shutting the door properly. John walked to his locker and leaned against it, slightly defeated. Why was this so hard. Just try the simple, direct approach... 

"Abby...I love you!" 

He heard someone behind him. Dammit not again. 

"Yeah, you caught me again Sus..." He said smiling as he turned round. Oh God!!! All the air left his body "Abby!" 

"John...I..." She turned and ran out of the room. 

"Abby wait..." Great!! 'At least I don't have to worry about how to tell her now!' He thought. He ran after her. 

He bumped into Malik. 

"Ouch, what's the hurry?" Malik asked holding his shoulder 

"Sorry. Did you see where Abby went?" 

"Yeah...she ran out of the ER...why? Is something wrong?" But there was no response as Carter was already exiting the ER after her. 


	3. chapter 3

Abby sat at the bench by the river. What had just happened? She didn't know what to think. She knew he had feelings for her back in May, but then he started seeing Susan. It had been easier that way. She could pretend that nothing had happened, that they were just friends. But hearing him say that...it brought everything flooding back. She felt a million different emotions ranging from shock, complete happiness, confusion and anger. She decided to lean on her old friend anger. I mean, how dare he do this to her! Things had just began to settle down between them! Back to normal. Well...not normal. She knew deep down she wanted more but she had been ignoring those feelings. She finished her her cigarette and lit up another. This was impossible. 

She was so busy thinking, she didn't notice someone creep up behind her. 

Carter stood staring at her for a few minutes, trying to gauge how she was feelings. She looked so beautiful sitting their, hair tied back. He noticed that a few strands had fallen out of her ponytail, down by her face. He watched her as she looked out at the river. She looked cold and he suppressed the urge to go over and hug her. He could stand there watching her for eternity. He took a few deep breaths, preparing himself for her mood. 

"Abby," he whispered, not sure whether he wanted her to hear him or not. She continued to stare out at the river. "Abby" he said slightly louder. 

"I heard you the first time Carter," she snapped again not looking at him. She was mad. This he had expected. Every time he brought up the subject of 'them', she got defensive. He wished she'd just accept that things were changing. He knew she was scared. So was he. 

"Oh. I'm...look, about what you heard." He stumbled over his words. What should he say? 

"Save it Carter, I don't care!" She knew it was a lie but she couldn't do this right now. 

"Abby..." 

She looked at him, her eyes unreadable. He saw the familiar expression on her face. The one that meant 'I don't want to talk about it!' He chose to ignore it. They had to talk. He knew this wasn't gonna go away! 

"Abby...I'm sorry you had to hear it like that but..." She cut him off. 

"But what?" She said, the coldness in her voice matching that in her eyes. 

"I...I'm sorry..." 

"I don't wanna talk about it Carter." 

He began to lose his patience. "Well there's a surprise!" 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She snapped 

"You never want to talk about it Abby. It seems to be your policy that if you ignore it it'll go away." 

"How dare you," her voice getting louder. "What exactly is there to talk about?" 

"Us" he whispered. He knew there was no point yelling at her. It wasn't going to help. 

"Us? Ha there's a joke!" She saw the hurt in his eyes as she said it but she didn't care. 'Now he knows what it feels like' she thought 

"Don't Abby. Can't we just talk about this? It isn't gonna go away." 

"What? What do you think is going on with us Carter?" 

"You know what's happening Abby. You just won't let it!" 

"NOTHING is happening Carter! NOTHING!" She stood up, as if she was challenging him. 

"Abby..." 

"Don't Abby me! You can't just wake up one day and decide you want to give 'us' a shot after all." Her voice was beginning to waver. She was thinking about their discussion a few weeks ago at this very bench. She turned her back to him. She was beginning to feel vulnerable and she didn't like it. Carter knew what she was talking about too. 

"Look, when I said that a few weeks ago I didn't mean it. Well I did but...I didn't, If you know what I mean." He was beginning to get off the point. "Anyway...couldn't we just, you know give it a try?" 

She spun round, hit by another wave of anger. 

"Give it a try? Give it a try?" He voice got louder with every sentence. "I put myself on the line for you and you blew me off!" 

He looked down, regretting what he had said 'I'd rather settle...' Why did he have to say anything. "I'm sorry. I never meant to..." 

She interrupted him, holding up her hand, signalling him to stop. "Don't! Just...don't" her voice broke slightly. 

"Don't what?" He asked, a look of confusion on his face. 

"Don't say you never meant to hurt me. I've heard it before and we both know it isn't true." She looked at the ground, willing herself not to cry. 

"Abby, you know I would never intentionally hurt you." He put a hand on her shoulder, sensing that she need some support. That was one of the things she loved about him. The way he able to sense when she needed him. She looked up, allowing him to see the hurt in her eyes. 

"Do I?" She asked quietly. "Cause you rejected me and if that's not meant to hurt..." He was staring at her intently. Again she felt vulnerable - wide open for attack. She looked down. "Look John, I...we would never work." 

"Why?" 

"Because" 

He threw his hands up in the air. "Because?! You're gonna thrown this away and the best reason you can think of is because?" 

"We'd only hurt each other...and I'm not prepared to open myself up to that kinda pain. I'm sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but I can't do it." 

He sighed. "Fine." He began to walk away. He stopped and turned. "Just answer me one question." She nodded slowly "do you still love me?" He wasn't sure if he really wanted to know the answer. 

She looked over at him sadly and said quietly, "I never said I loved you." 

He nodded and she saw the raw pain in his eyes. She was sure she had actually heard his heart break. He turned and walked away. 'Why did I have to ask?' He asked himself. 

She watched him walk away, just like she had back in May. "But I do." But it was too late, like always. He was gone. 

*************************** 

It's not finished - I got more but I need to go to my bed so I'll update later!! Please review. This is my first fanfic and I wanna know how you think I'm doing!! 


	4. chapter 4

Abby's alarm clock rang at 6am, signalling it was time to get up. She switched it off and lay on her back, thinking about the night before. Thinking about Carter. She remembered all the things they had been through together...Oklahoma, AA meetings, his grandmother's fundraiser, his grandfather's funeral and the countless cups of coffee they had had at Doc Magoos. She had always loved the fact that he understood her. More than Richard, more than Luka. He always knew what she was thinking and when she needed him. She loved this, but it scared her too. A lifetime of pain had taught her to guard her emotions. Keep them locked deep inside her so she wouldn't get hurt. She kept people at a distance, cut off. It was why she had stayed with Luka for so long - he was easy...uncomplicated. He was someone who wouldn't get too close, who wouldn't be able to tough her soul. But Carter? He could crumble her walls with one look, see through her defences and make her feel completely vulnerable. She wanted this as much as she didn't. She wanted someone, John, to see into her but she couldn't take anymore pain. She loved him. She knew this...even though she tried hard not to, but... "We'd only hurt each other" she remembered saying last night. Work was gonna be hell...they were on the same shift. Not that it really mattered, they had perfected the art of avoiding each other. He would... 

"Damn!" She said looking after the clock. It was 6:45am. She was due at work in 15 minutes! She jumped out of bed and quickly ran into the shower. 

****************************** 

John stood at the admit desk in the ER. To everyone around him, it looked like he was going over reports but really he was thinking about her. Abby. The only woman he had ever really loved. Yeah, sure he'd had girlfriends before but he'd never felt like this. He thought about last night. He'd been sure they could make it work. He knew he could make her happy...she just had to let him. 

'I never said I loved you' she had said. This one, tiny sentence was the cause of so much pain. 'Does she love me?' He wondered. She can't. If she did we wouldn't be in this situation...we'd be together. 

"Carter," a familiar voice said, snapping him back to reality. 

"Hm? Docter Weaver! What can I do for you?" He asked with no real enthusiasm. 

"Patient. Exam One. Dog bite." 

"On it!" 

As he began walking away, he bumped into Chuny. 

"Hey Dr Carter. Sorry!" 

"Don't worry 'bout it I wasn't looking where I was going." 

As she walked away he said "Hey, have you seen Abby? She's supposed to be on but..." 

"Sorry Dr Carter, dunno where she is." 

"Okay thanks." He mumbled, not really paying attention. His mind had wandered back to her. 

'Where is she?' He thought. She's probably just avoiding me...as usual. That's all we seem to do these days. 

"Hi Jody. I'm Dr Carter" he said, smiling at the little girl sitting on the bed. Her face was red and puffy from crying. He nodded at her parents. 

"So...let's take a look at your hand." He sat and gently took her hand. "Oh this looks sore" 

Jody nodded slowly. "You must be very brave. Can you tell me what happened?" He asked, a concerned look on his face. 

"My next door neighbours dog bit me." She replied in a small voice. 

"Okay. Can you tell me if this hurt?" He gently prodded her wrist then around the bite mark. 

"Aah" she cried 

"I'm sorry." He looked over at her parents. "There doesn't seem to be anything broken but we'll take an x-ray to make sure. All she'll need is a tetanus." The girls parents looked relieved. "If you'll excuse me, I'll get one of the nurses to clean it out and give it a few stitches." He stood up and exited. After a few steps he bumped into someone. 

"Sorry" he said without looking up. "Seems to be happening to me a lot today" 

"It's no problem." 

"Abby!" He said looking up. "Sorry I didn't realise it was you." 

"Chuny said you were looking for me." 

"No, I...I was just wondering where you were. I was worried." He admitted. He noticed she looked slightly angry at this. 

"Jeez Carter, I'm only 20 minutes late." An awkward silence fell between them. God this is terrible she thought. 'Why won't you go?' She said to herself. She looked at him. He looked tired. His eyes soft and hair ruffled. Everything she said to him last night came flooding back She finally spoke. 

"So is that it?" She asked impatiently. 

"Er...no. Could you see to the little girl in exam one. Dog bite. Needs stitched." He told her, somewhat abruptly. This... Being so close to her was killing him. 

She looked slightly annoyed at his tone of voice. "Right!" She snapped, pushing past him. 'If he wants to pretend nothing's going on that's fine!' She thought. John spoke again, his tone softer, 

"Abby?" She turned looking right into his eyes. She saw pain, a look mirrored in her own. "Can we talk? Later I mean" 

She continued to stare into his eyes for a few seconds. He's so gorgeous, she thought. He looks so innocent. She desperately wanted him to hold her and tell her everything was going to be fine. She shook her head violently, trying to remove the thought. 

"I think we said everything last night - don't you?" And with that she stomped off towards exam one. 

........................ 

'Why does he have to push?' She thought 'I told him it wouldn't work.' Why did she have to be such a bitch? She was so cold. Deep inside she knew she was glad he wanted to talk. It meant he hadn't given up on her. She was so confused. She wanted him to leave her alone but she wanted him to be there. It was hard. She'd talk to him eventually. She just wasn't ready yet. It was still too...raw. 


	5. chapter 5

SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

*********************** 

Across the ER, in the Doctor's lounge Carter was writing some notes. Why is she being so stubborn? It's not her. It's me. I should take the hint. She's not interested. She doesn't love me, she told me so herself. He felt a stab at his heart as he relived those words again. "I never said I loved you" 

He gave up and threw his pen onto the table. His head dropped into his hands. I have to talk to her. I have to sort this out. It's killing my concentration...it's killing me. He wondered why he couldn't just forget these feelings. He'd felt like this ever since he first got to know her. He'd kept it secret this long...why did he have to open his big mouth back in May? Love - isn't it supposed to be simple? He laughed sardonically. 

"What's so funny?" 

He jumped. "God I didn't hear the door open" 

She shrugged. "So what were you laughing at?" She asked attempting to avoid the awkward silences that usually came to visit about now. 

"Nothing" he shook his head. 

"Oh. Okay..." She crossed to her locker and pulled out her jacket. 

"Abby..." She turned, "you wanna go to Doc's and get some coffee?" His eyes pleaded with her even though he tried to sound nonchalant. She loved that about him. No matter how he was acting, she could look into his eyes and see him. What he was really feeling. 

She hesitated, looking at the floor. The desperation reached his voice as he whispered, "Please Abby" 

She couldn't say no - could she? She looked up at him and said "Okay" before she even realised it. His eyes could make her do anything. 

************************** 

Sitting at a booth in Doc Magoos, the waitress brung them their coffees. Abby stared down at the table unable to meet Carter's eyes. He was trying to think of something to say. 

"Why are you doing this to me?" He asked. "You know you're making a mistake." Yeah good one John! You could have gone with subtle and sensitive but hey... 

She stopped, coffee halfway to her mouth. She looked surprised. This turned to anger. "What?" 'How dare you!' She thought "You rejected me!" 

"I didn't reject you." 

Shit! She hadn't meant to say that out loud. 

"No? Well what would you call it?" She asked her voice rising slightly. 

"You were still hung up on Luka" 

She rolled her eyes. "Here we go again!" She snapped. "Bring it back to Luka! You know I'm starting to think you're the one who's hung up on him Carter! You're just using him as an excuse. You changed your mind! That's if you ever did actually have feelings for me in the first place. You didn't want me and instead of just admitting it, you bring it back to Luka!" 

"That's not true. And you know how I feel about you." He was getting angry too. She carried on not paying any attention to what he said. 

"And how could I still be hung up on Luka? I never loved him in the first place, not like I l..." 

She stopped, realising what she was about to say. She noticed John staring at her. She chose to ignore it. She looked down at the table. 'Not like I love you' she finished in her head. 'Not like I love you!' Tell him. She dismissed the voice. He doesn't want to know she thought. She paused, taking a deep breath before she continued. 

"I didn't love him. I was with him...I don't know...kinda out of default." She spoke quietly, still looking at the table. She looked up at him. He was silently willing her to continue. What did she mean? Why hadn't she finished the sentence he wondered. 

"It was convenient for both of us. We had a relationship without all the risks. He couldn't hurt me, or get too close. It was easy. She drank her coffee. 

"Is that what you're scared of? That I'll hurt you?" He asked gently 

"Don't you get it Carter? You already have." She tried to keep control of her voice. "You already have." She was barely audible. 

He shot her a questioning look. 

"What? You don't think it hurt when you rejected me? Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to say all that stuff? Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, you start dating Susan like, the next day." 

"Susan and I..." 

"I know Carter! You broke up. It doesn't change anything. I just...wish we could go back...to when we were friends..." 

"Come one Abby." He sounded slightly irritated. '_I am her friend'_ he thought. "Even though things have changed...you know I'll always be there for you" 

Abby rolled her eyes and laughed. 'Yeah that'll be right' she thought. John looked up at ther surprised and hurt. 

"You'll always be there for me? Sure. Yeah. Whatever!" 

"Abby, you know I'm here..." Boy was he starting to annoy her. 

"Oh yeah?" She spat, raising her voice. "You haven't been there for me since May! Where were you when my best friend told me he couldn't be around me anymore? You dropped this bomb on me and walked away without letting me process it. Where were you when I broke up with Luka? Or how about on my birthday, when no one else remembered? Where were you when I was attacked and needed a place to stay? Where were you John?" She was yelling now and people were looking. She was trembling with anger. 

"You haven't been there for me in months. You've been too busy avoiding me." She slammed her empty coffee cup down. "Well that's fine! From now on... Just stay the hell out of my way!" 

She grabbed her bag and stomped out the door. 

**************************************** 


	6. chapter 6

A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in a while - I've been really ill. Thanks for the reviews!! Please keep going to let me know how I'm doing. 

Abby lay in bed trying to sleep. It was no use. As she tossed and turned her words came drifting back. 'How can I blame him for forgetting my birthday? That was the day Sobricki was brought in. He had other - more important - things on his mind! No wait! He had plenty of time before that to say something but he was to busy with Susan!' She thought. She wished she could hate Susan but during the seminar they had kind of become friends. She envied her so much. Even though it was over, she had been allowed to kiss John and hold him and... 'No! You are NOT thinking about this!' But she was. She couldn't stop. She loved John and wondered why it was so hard for her to just tell him. She kicked the covers off. She remembered the look in his eyes when she yelled at him. Shock. She longed to touch his face, to hold him and tell him how much she missed him but every time she thought about doing it she heard a voice saying 'Don't be a fool. He doesn't love you. He'll just break your heart!' She knew she just had to trust him. She turned violently, hair sticking to her face, to look at the clock. 

2:45am 

She was on in about 3 hours. 

"This is ridiculous!" She muttered, turning on the lamp. "I've gotta sort this out or I'll never get to sleep." 

She picked up the phone and punched in the number. It rang a couple of times then the answering machine kicked in. She knew he wouldn't be home, she wouldn't have called otherwise. She knew if she heard his voice she'd break. 

BEEP 

"Yeah...um...It's me. I just...couldn't sleep and I wanted to apologise for what I said earlier...You've been a great friend. Look I know I shouldn't be saying this to your machine but...I really do think we should give each other some space. I just wish all this crap between us would go away and we could be us again. Anyway...um...bye!" 

She hung up quickly. 'Damn' she thought. She hadn't meant to say that much. Just sorry, seeya! Never mind. She turned over, determined to go to sleep. 


	7. chapter 7

AN: Review or e-mail me with comments, cheeza@supanet.com 

John looked at his watch. 6:30am. Great, he was off. He was so tired. He stood up, rubbing his eyes. He went over to the Doctor's Lounge, dragged himself to his locker and was putting his coat on as the door opened. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Abby. 'She looks exhausted' he thought. He gave her a light-hearted "hey" She just nodded her head as acknowledgement. 'God, she's so beautiful' he thought. He loved her when she was this tired. Not that there was ever a time when he didn't. God, even when she's hurting him, he still loved her. But now, she looked so vulnerable, innocent - perfect. 'Right John, when does she ever not look perfect?' He asked himself. 

"You on now?" He asked, unsure of what to say after her outburst yesterday. 

"No. Not for half an hour" she sat at the table avoiding his eyes. 

"Oh. You...you wanna grab come coffee?" He asked hopefully. 

"No, I don't think that's a good idea" she said still avoiding his gaze. 'Why does he keep doing this?' She wondered, 'how can he still be nice after everything I said?' 

"I thought about what you said..." He began, nervously playing with his tie. 

"Look Carter, I didn't mean it. I'm sorry" 

"Don't worry about it. I just..." 

Just then Susan entered breaking the tension. She crossed to her locker. "Hey guys" she said. Abby smiled at her. 

Kerry popped her head round the door. 

"Abby, thought I saw you come in here. We need you. Car accident. ETA 3 minutes." 

Abby began to protest, "But I'm not on..." But Kerry had left. She opened her locker and grabbed her stethoscope. 

"Hey John, wanna grab breakfast?" Susan asked. Abby shot him a look. 

"Um...yeah sure" he replied, taking his eyes from Abby's. She gave him a disgusted sigh and stomped out of the room, slamming the door behind her. 

Susan gave him a questioning look. "What's with her?" 

"Who knows?" He said as he opened the door for them. 'All I know is I'm getting fed up seeing her running out the door!' He added silently. "Shall we?" 

A/N Sorry, I know these are really short and not very good. Hopefully I should update really soon and it should get better. Let me know what you think. 


	8. chapter 8

Abby stood in the ambulance bay waiting for the car crash victims. She didn't know how to feel. She knew she had planned some time away from Carter but that didn't mean he had to run straight back to Susan. 'Calm down' she told herself. It could have been perfectly innocent. It's just breakfast. 'Yeah right!' She thought 'he looked uncomfortable and guilty which must mean he's not over Susan. And he had the cheek to accuse me of not being over Luka. Of all the hypocritical...' 

An ambulance pulled up and Doris began yelling symptoms and the medication the patients had been given on the way over, to Abby and Dr Weaver. Abby held tight to a gurney carrying a 12 year old boy. 

"Daniel Armstrong. Neck injury, possible broken leg with deep lacerations to abdomen and left thigh. Father DOA" 

Abby sighed, nodded and pushed the gurney towards the ER doors. She saw Carter and Susan heading out. She met his eyes and gave him a cold look. She didn't care! Susan could have him! 

*********************** 

"So...how're things?" 

"Things? Things are...I'm not gonna lie. They could be better." Carter replied with a sigh. He was sitting in a booth in Doc Magoos with Susan Lewis, trying hard to forget his conversation with Abby the last time he was in here. 

"Why? What's up?" Susan asked. He could hear the concern in her voice. 

"Oh nothing really. I'm fine." He didn't really wanted to get into it right now - what was the point? He could see she didn't believe him. "Honestly." 

"Oh Come on Carter, spill" she insisted. This was one of the reasons he knew they wouldn't have worked as a couple. She didn't know him. She couldn't read him and know when he wanted to be left alone. Not like Abby could. 

"So...you tell her yet?" She asked, hoping to find a way to make him talk. She picked at her muffin. John raised his eyebrows in question, pretending he didn't know what she was talking about. She rolled her eyes. It wasn't as cute as when Abby did it. 

"Have you told Abby how you feel about her?" 

"Oh yeah I told her." He sighed slowly. She looked up, clearly surprised. 

"You did That's..." She was going to say great but judging by his expression she changed her mind. "...bad?" 

"Oh God Susan. I don't know. I'm glad I don't have to hide it anymore but..." He trailed off, staring into his half-empty cup. 

"Let me guess...she freaked?" 

"Completely. It's too late! I hurt her and now...I've lost my best friend. It's too late." He became quieter, willing the tears not to come. Susan put her hands on his and spoke softly, 

"John, I saw the way you two were looking at each other at that stupid seminar...and I heard the way she spoke about you..." 

"It doesn't matter Susan. I hurt her. It's over." She had never seen Carter look so defeated. 

"Do you love her?" 

"It doesn't mat..." He began. Susan cut him off, 

"Do you?" She asked more forcefully. He looked at her for a few moments before finally saying, 

"Yes. More than anything." 

"Then it's not too late." She replied simply. Carter stood up slowly. 

"Where are you going?" Susan asked. He put some money on the table for breakfast and smiled, 

"I've got somewhere I need to be." Susan smiled as he exited and hoped he worked things out with Abby. 


	9. chapter 9

Five minute later he was at the admit desk. 

"Hey Dr Carter. I thought you were off." He heard Lydia say. 

"Yeah I am." He paused. "Have you seen Abby?" 

"I think she took a break. She had to tell some kid his dad died. He took it pretty bad." 

"Is she okay?" He asked concerned. 

"I'm not sure." 

"Thanks" Oh god! She was hurting - his instinct to protect her took over. He knew exactly where she'd be and he had to be there too. She needed him. 

******************* 

Abby stood on the roof smoking her third cigarette in the past ten minutes. She had to tell Daniel about his Father. That was the worst part of the job. Breaking the bad news to kids. What was the point of doing this if she couldn't save that little boy that kind of heartache? She hugged her scrub top tighter around her small frame and fought back the tears. She heard the door open behind her. By the silence she knew it was Carter. What was he doing here? Probably coming to tell her it was too late. He was in love with Susan not her. If she heard that right now it would kill her. 

"Carter please, I can't do this now." She whispered, not trusting her voice. He felt her pain and heard the desperation in her voice. 

"Hey," he said gently, "It doesn't matter." And he was telling the truth. She need him now. The other stuff could wait. He watched her standing there. She looked so small, so alone, like she was about to break. It hurt him to see her like this and know that he couldn't take her pain away. He reached out and gently touched her shoulder. She spun round and burie her face in his chest, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. 

"It doesn't get any easier" she mumbled. 

"No. It doesn't." He wrapped one arm aound her back and held her head with his other. "Ssh Abby. It's okay." He just held her, giving the support she needed. After a few minutes, her sobbing stopped. She lifted her head slightly looking into his eyes, his arms still holding her and said, 

"I'm sorry. You'd think I'd be used to breaking that kind of news by now" 

He raised a hand and wiped her tears away with his thumb. 

"It's okay Abby. It's okay." She looked up gratefully. 

"Thank you." He continued to look down at her intently for a few moments. It felt so good to be in his arms. Like home. She suddenly rememberd their conversation last night and felt guilty. He was there when she need him. She eventually willed herself out of the embrace. 

"Look Carter..." 

'That's it' he thought 'strong Abby is back.' She had let her walls down, shown that she needed him but now they were back up. He was grateful she had let him in even if it was only for a second. 

"The things I said yesterday..."he opened his mouth but she held up her hand. "No! Let me finish. I...I didn't mean tem. You've been a great friend. The best I could ever possibly ask for. I just wish we could go back to how we were...but I'm scared it's too late." She looked down, fighting back tears for the second time. He knew what he had to do. It wasn't what he wanted but it was better than being without her. 

"It's never too late. I miss you. I miss out friendship and if that's all you're offering then I'll take it because I can't be without you." Abby smiled. It was one of her real smiles. A smile not many people got to see and he was one of the lucky ones. 

"Can we go back?" She asked. 

"We can try." He knew it was what she needed to hear and he was willing to at least try. She nodded and continued smiling. 

"Okay" They stood for a few seconds looking out into the horizon, both wondering what was gonna happen now. 

"Well..." Carter began light-heartedly "I need to go, my bed's calling!" She nodded. "You gonna be okay?" She nodded 

"I am now" He smiled and turned to leave. "Thanks Carter" 

"No problem" He walked out of the door. 

He walked down the stairs not sure how he was feeling. He was sad that things hadn't moved forward but happy at the possibility of them being close again. She needed him and he needed her and if all they had was friendship...it was enough - wasn't it? 

A/N - Well! Sorry it too so late to update! Thanks for all the e-mails letting me know what you think. If you wanna e-mail me its - cheeza@supanet.com 

The next chapter should be up really soon. Let me know how I'm doing!! 


	10. chapter 10

Chapter 10 

"Abby..." He began sweetly, "I'd have to say you're one of, if not _the_, nicest most generous people I have ever met..." Abby rolled her eyes, although secretly she had tingles up and down her spine. 

"What do you want Carter?" She asked, laughing. 

"What makes you think I want something?" He asked, pretending to be hurt. She raised her eyebrows sceptically. 

"Well considering your obvious attempts to sweet talk me..." She smirked. This, her banter with Carter, she had missed. 

She was glad to have it again. The past few weeks had been great. After their talk on the roof they had worked on getting their friendship back. Only now she was beginning to realise just how much she had missed it. Sure there had been a few alkward moments and sure they didn't talk about their relationship but things had pretty much gone back to the way they had before. 

"Okay, okay!" Carter held his hands up in surrender. "I need a favour." 

"What?" 

"I need a date!" He said simply. He noticed the confused look on her face and explained, "My Gamma is hosting another benefit and I remembered how much fun we had at the last one..." He trailed off hopefully. 

"And you want me to come to this one?" She finished. She sighed, looking fed up. Carter's face fell and she grinned, 

"I'm joking Carter! I'd love to come" He smiled widely, 

"Great!" She was glad she had made him smile. It lit up his eyes. 

"When is it?" 

"Erm... Tonight" he said slowly. 

"Tonight?!" She said, her voice rising an octave. "Why didn't you mention it sooner?" 

"I didn't want to give you time to back out!" He grinned and began walking away. 

"Carter... I wanna back out..." He cut her off, yelling over his shoulder, 

"Pick you up at seven!" Then he was gone. She mumbled, 

"Dammit Carter!" She walked off in the opposite direction, a smile playing on her lips, pleased at the thought of a date with Carter. 

********************* 

At 6:50pm, Carter stood in front of Abby's door. He was trying to build up the courage to knock. He had thought it had been hard aking her out but actually taking her out was much harder. He had said he asked her out at the last minute so she wouldn't back out. This was only partly true. In truth he was scared she'd say no. 

He took a few deep breaths and found his hand had made contact with the door. He heard her running about as she breathlessly shouted, 

"Just a minute!" Through the door. He chuckled slightly but stopped suddenly as she opened the door. She looked...amazing. He took in her longsatin dress and the way the thin straps clung to her shoulders. He noticed the contrast of the ivory material against Abby's tanned skin, and how it accentuated her figure. He noticed her hair had been clipped back in a french roll and that a few curls were left hanging, framing her face. 

He realised he was staring when Abby shifted uncomfortably and self-consciously crossed her arms. He looked up and noticed she was blushing. 

"You...you look...wow...you look amazing!" He stuttered. Abby's blush deepened. She smiled, 

"So do you. I can never resist a man in a tux." She attempted to break the tension. They both laughed. 

"Come on Miss Lockhart. Your carriage awaits." She gladly accepted his arm. As they touched Carter felt shivers down his spine. Feelings he was desparately trying to forget, rushing to the surface. This was going to be a long night. 


	11. chapter 11

Chapter 11 

As they sat in the limo, Abby nervously played with the front of her dress. She couldn't understand what was making her so nervous - besides the man she loved sitting next to her looking delicious in his tuxedo. She couldn't believe how sexy he looked in a tux. She wondered, for the millionth time, whether this was a good idea or not. Carter looked well, yum. This would be fine but she had told him she just wanted to be friends. Which she did. Didn't she? Even though she was the one that suggested friendship, a part of her - a huge part - wanted more. 'Maybe I should tell him,' she thought, 'I mean he said he loved me...No! He's just on the rebound from Susan he didn't really mean it.' Still she couldn't help but smile remembering his reaction when she opened the door. 

It had taken her forever to decide on an outfit. Her! Usually she didn't care about stuff like that. She cringed, thinking how different his reaction would have been if he had shown up ten minutes earlier. She had been a mess! Hair everywhere, dress askew, makeup all over the place. She felt the need to make an effort. She wanted tonight to be perfect. To know, just for one night, what it would be like to be with Carter. Even if it was only pretend. 

* * * * * * * * *  


Fifteen minutes later they entered a large, beautifully decorated room filed with people. Abby was overwhelmed. The men all dressed in tuxedos and the women looking like models with their beautiful dresses and pristine looks. Abby fiddled with her hair self-consciously, 'Boy am I out of place,' she thought. She nervously bit her lips before she felt Carter tugging at her hand. 

"Come on," he said simply. She wondered how he could be so calm. Right enough he had grown up with all this. How the hell had he survived? 

"What are you doing?" She asked. He led her onto the dance floor. 

"We're dancing." 

"Carter, come on! I suck at dancing!" She began to panic. Just what she needed! She would probably fall on her ass in front of everyone. 'Please ground, open up!' She pushed the feelings of dread away as Carter's hand made its way up to her back. She felt the familiar tingles. 

"Abby, you couldn't suck at anything if you tried!" He smiled. 

'Was that a compliment?' She wondered. 'I will not freak out! I will not freak out!' She repeated silently as he swept her out among the other dancing couples. 

* * * * * * * * 

After what seemed like hours, Carter and Abby stopped dancing and made their way to the side of the room. Abby was laughing. 

"Now that wasn't too bad - was it?" Carter chuckled. 

"No." She admitted, "But I'm so sorry about your toes." She had stood on him like three times. Carter feigned a limp, 

"It's no problem." They stood staring at each other. He smiled. God she really was beautiful. He really was lucky to have a friend like her. Her eyes were wide and full of warmth. It had been a while since he had seen her this happy. Seeing her like this always made him smile. She was looking at him so intensely it felt like they were the only ones in the room. Everyone else disappeared. All that mattered was her. She made him happy, complete. She was the most important thing in the world to him. He suddenly broke from her gaze. 

"Um...excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back." She nodded. Even though she was smiling he could still detect disappointment. He walked away knowing if he stayed he would do, or say, something he shouldn't. 

* * * * * * * 

Abby watched John walk away. She felt a stab at her heart. She was all too familiar with this view. Him walking away because she had been too scared to say something. The way he had been looking at her... Had she missed another chance? She shook her head. He was probably looking for a relative. She kept her eyes on him until he exited the room. What was she gonna do now? She was confused. Did she want to be his friend? Or did she want to be his...everything? She contemplated this as she stood waiting. She felt someone behind her stumble and crash into her. 

"Oh God! I'm sor..." He began. She turned round, a horrified looked plastered over her face as she realised who the voice belonged to . 'Please god! Not now!' She covered her discomfort and horror with a sweet smile. 

"Richard! How...lovely to see you again." Where the hell was John? 

"Abby! How're things? Everything good I hope.' Her eyes widened in surprise. This was weird. 'Where is the sarcastic remarks?' She wondered, 'Why is he being nice? Well, if he's making an effort...' 

"Thank you Richard, everything's fine. You?" 

"Yes thanks. I'm great. So... Um...where did your date go?" 'Here it comes' she thought. 

"He'll be back in a second." His next comment threw her even further off track. 

"You like him don't you?" 

"What?" She blurted. What was he talking about? Shouldn't he be telling me how happy he is without me about now? 

"John Carter. You like him." It was a statement. How did he know she was here with Carter? 

"How did you...?" 

"Oh, I saw you arrive." She just nodded, still recovering from his little comment. 

"So, you like him huh?" 

"We're friends, yes" 

"Oh pl-ease Abby! I saw the way you looked at him. The whole time I've known you, you've never once looked at me like that." She was surprised by his tone. He wasn't accusing her. He sounded like he was actually trying to help. This was bizarre. She tried to stop herself from falling apart right in front of him. She opened her mouth to protest but instead found herself saying, 

"It's complicated." A deaf person could have heard the sadness in her voice. 

"The best things usually are." He replied simply. "You should tell him." 

"Tell him what?" If all else fails - play dumb! But he was not thrown. 

"Tell him you love him." She furrowed her brows, 

"I...I didn't expect this from you, of all people. What have you done with the real Richard?' She tried to joke past his obvious insight into her psyche. He shrugged and signalled to the corner of the room where a women stood chatting. She saw him smile faintly. 

"I suppose that's what love does to you! I, I don't want you to be unhappy Abby. After...everything, you deserve to be happy too." She smiled. It was obviously a miracle! Why look for any other explanation? She reached up and kissed him on the cheek, 

"Thank you Richard." She turned to walk away but paused to say, "By-the-way, congratulations on your engagement." She chuckled, "She must be some women. I like you much better this way!" 

She walked away, still shell shocked. She truly was happy for him. No old feelings of resentment left. He had moved on. And so had she. She laughed slightly - her ex-husband giving her relationship advice? The worrying thing was... He was right! 

* * * * 


	12. chapter 12

Disclaimer: I wanna apologise in advance. This was rushed so... Also there's swearing in this chapter!  
  
Carter, meanwhile, had somehow been cornered by Sophie Kenison. He and Sophie, one of his Father's business contacts, had grown up together. She was nice enough - in small doses. She had dropped many not-too-subtle hints that she was interested in him. His Father was, of course, thrilled If he and Sophie got married it would be an extremely important 'partnership'. That's the word his Father had used - right? Carter on the other hand, was less than impressed. Sure Sophie was... Well she was incredibly beautiful, but beyond that she was pretty empty. Anyway, there's no way he could even think about anyone else when he was so in love with...   
  
But here he found himself standing in front of her nodding in agreement as she babbled on about... Something or other.  
"So she was going to go for the teal bridesmaids dress but I said 'I don't think so!' I mean teal!" She giggled and Carter joined in politely. 'God! Where are my family when I need them?' He groaned silently.   
Something across the room caught his eye, or rather some one. She was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen - inside and out. She was funny, caring, angry and... Just as messed up as him. She was his soul mate. She was his best friend. She was Abby. His smile soon faded as he saw her reach up and kiss some guy's cheek. 'Wait! Isn't that...Richard?' He thought. 'Well they sure look friendly!' He felt himself becoming jealous. This soon followed by anger. How dare she come out with him and then kiss her ex-husband?!   
  
It didn't occur to him that he was being unreasonable. He didn't realise how it must look - he had left her to what? Stand chatting with some woman he didn't even like. All he thought was, 'Why the hell is she kissing her ex-husband when she won't even give us a chance?' It didn't occur to him that it was perfectly innocent or that Abby was on her way to tell him she was in love with him. No, all he felt was jealousy. His thoughts were interrupted by the blond on his right. 'You know what? Screw Abby!' He thought as he gave his full attention to Sophie.   
  
"So John, where's you date?" She pouted slightly at the idea that he had a date.   
  
"Um, she's around." He said absently.   
  
"Oh. So are you two serious?"   
  
"No, it's not like that! She's just a friend!" What was he doing? 'Abby is so much more than a friend and you know it!' A little voice deep inside screamed. Why was he so insistent that Abby was just a friend. Friend! There were so many different, more suitable words - saviour, passion, soul mate, reason for living... These words fit much better.   
  
"So...you're...avaliable?" She purred, flicking her long golden mane.   
  
"Completely" 'Dear god John! Do you know what you're saying - at all? Is your brain even connected?' He thought. He hadn't heard Abby even approach him.   
  
"Hey Carter! We need to talk..." She stopped, realising he had company.   
  
Oh God! Abby was here! How much had she heard? He shook himself. 'What does it matter? She turned you down! Plus she and Richard looked pretty cosy.' Again, it didn't occur that he was just been an asshole.   
  
"Carter?" Sophie spoke first, breaking the tension. He bright blues eyes clouded with confusion. Realisation finally hit. You could practically see the light bulb click on. She signalled to John, "Oh you mean... How... Cute" she crinkled her nose. Abby took an immediate dislike to her. She smiled politely.   
  
"Oh sorry. Abby, this is Sophie Kenison. Sophie this is Abigail Lockhart." He said, noticing the look on Abby's face. She did not looked pleased. If looks could kill, he and Sophie would be six feet under! Still, she was polite and shook Sophie's out stretched hand. He also noticed the look on Sophie's face. She straight through Abby, not even caring whether or not she was there. How dare she? But he didn't say anything. Abby could take care of herself.  
  
"So...Abby, how do you know John?" She asked with an edge to her voice.  
  
"Oh, erm... Condensed version? We work together." Well what was she supposed to say? 'I caught him shooting up in an exam room and I'm his sponsor. I fell in love with him but he rejected me and started dating some one else.' No! Probably not a good idea.  
  
"Are you a doctor?"  
  
"No, I'm a nurse." She could see the disapproval in Sophie's eyes. How dare she look down on her?! It took all her strength to stop her giving Sophie her opinion of her.  
  
"Oh, that's ... nice"   
  
Abby ignored the patronising tone and continued,  
  
"So, where do you know Car...John from?" She looked at John, who was watching the two women with an amused look on his face. Abby appeared to be jealous. Did she have feelings for him?  
  
"Oh we go way back. I'm waiting on him waking up one day and realising he's completely in love with me!" She playfully nudged Carter and giggled. Abby shot her a disgusted look. Could this woman be more obvious? She felt incredibly uncomfortable and glanced at Carter, who was busy grinning at Sophie.  
  
"Maybe someday!" He whispered. He couldn't believe it. He was actually flirting with this woman. And right in front of Abby. Maybe that was the reason. Part of him wanted to hurt her. For what? Making him fall in love with her? Or for not loving him back? He wasn't sure. He just wanted her to feel some of the pain and jealousy he felt, seeing her with Richard. Yeah it was juvenile but...  
  
"Oh John!" Sophie pushed him slightly. Abby noticed how close they were standing. Had she interrupted something? She also noticed that Carter was completely focused on Sophie. She felt like saying, 'hey remember me?' She felt increasingly uncomfortable.  
  
All the while, Carter stood pretending not to notice Abby. He saw how uncomfortable and hurt she looked. His instincts took over and he wanted to protect her. To hold her and tell her he was sorry, but there was something pushing him, forcing him to act like a jackass. He was hurting and he was jealous. So, he continued to flirt with Sophie. As Abby excused herself, Carter realised how horrible he was being.  
  
"I'm just...I have to...go to the bathroom." She turned and practically ran off.  
  
"Dammit!" He groaned silently as she disappeared. 'I'm such an idiot!' He was a fool! He didn't want to hurt Abby. Not really. 'So why do I keep doing it?' He ran his fingers through his hair defeated. He was about to run after her and explain but he felt someone brush against him,  
  
"Come on John. Let's dance." Before he knew it he was being pulled towards the dance floor, helplessly looking into the crowd Abby had disappeared into. He was a fool!  
  
* * * * * * * * *   
  
Abby barely made it to the bathroom before breaking down. She turned the tap on and sat on the toilet, tears streaming down her face. She was a fool. How could she have even considered telling Carter how she felt. He wasn't interested. He had moved on, her chance missed, to the first woman he met. What hurt most was she was nothing like her. Sophie was rich, beautiful, confident, didn't seem to have any emotional baggage... And there she was alone in a bathroom crying over s guy who didn't even love her. She was stupid to think that maybe he had been truthful when he said he loved her. No. He didn't. She wasn't good enough for him. She wasn't pretty, or intelligent, or...anything Carter would want. So she sat and cried. For all the missed chances, for all the times she wanted to tell him but couldn't and for all the times she'd let him walk away. It was her fault. No! It was that Sophie-woman's fault. Could she have been more obvious? She was practically giving him a lap dance out there! No. It wasn't Sophie. If it hadn't been her it would have been someone else.   
  
'Someone else who isn't me' she thought. She sighed and ran her hands through her now loose hair. She couldn't feel like this anymore. It was time to move on. She'd been kidding herself - they couldn't be friends. She began to feel angry. At Carter? Hell yeah! But mostly at herself. How could she have been so stupid? She knew she would get hurt but she couldn't let him go. Well not anymore.  
  
Angrily she stood up, wiping her tears. She splashed some cold water on her face and fixed her hair. She laughed at herself. This wasn't her! She was strong. 'I'm not gonna hurt anymore.' She said, leaving the room.  
  
She walked back in the direction of Carter. If she could just get through tonight, she'd be fine. And she could. She was Abby! If she could cope with a bipolar mother, she could deal with a little heartache! 'I'm strong!'  
  
The sight before her proved how wrong she was. She saw Carter dancing with that girl. Not only that, but he looked happy - truly happy. She felt all the air escape her body. She looked down trying to hide the single tear rolling down her cheek. Everytime! She kept going back for more. He didn't even notice her.  
  
What was she supposed to do now? Hang around, alone, watching him hook up with the future Mrs Carter? No! Why should she? She turned and ran out of the hall, only stopping at the front door to talk to a man Carter had greeted earlier,  
  
"Hey. You work here right?"  
  
"Yes Ma'am. How can I help you?"  
  
"Could you tell Dr John Carter that Abby left? Tell him... I'm happy he moved on. Tell him no to call. I'll be fine now."  
  
She ran out, not caring if the guy thought she was crazy or not. Maybe she was! It didn't matter. Nothing did. She just wanted to be home in bed, alone. No one could hurt her there. And she never wanted to see John Carter again. It was over. 


	13. chapter 13

Carter was running through the crowd, desparately looking for Abby. Where was she? He had been looking for her for an hour. She wasn't in the bathroom, she wasn't outside. He was getting really worried now. Abby wouldn't just disappear without saying anything. A million thoughts buzzed through his head as he stopped and scanned the room again. What if she was hurt? She could be lying in pain somewhere. Why did he have to act like such a moron? 

Sophie ran up behind him. She intertwined her arm with his and purred, 

"Come on John, let's get out of here." 

He didn't pay much attention. Again, he ran towards the exit. Maybe she had gone outside for a cigarette. He was breathing hard. He frantically ran his fingers through his hair as he stopped at the door. God! Where was she? He turned and almost banged into the doorman. 

"Sorry, sorry." 

"It's okay Dr Carter." He said politely. Carter nodded and began to leave. 

"George, have you seen Ab... The woman I arrived with?" 

"Oh Dr Carter, I'm sorry. I forgot to tell you. She left you a message." He crosses over to a small table to the left of the room and picked up a pad of paper, "Here it is." He read off the paper. "She said, she's happy you moved on, don't call her and she'll be fine now." 

Carter bowed his head. He'd ruined everything. Happy he moved on? 'She must think I'm interested in Sophie,' he thought. Damn! He ran to the door and pulled the handle. He had to talk to her, to tell her he was sorry for acting like a fool. He felt a hand an his shoulder. 

"There you are. Just let me get my coat." Great! All he needed! 

"Look Sophie, I'm sorry but I have to go." 

"Where?" 

"I have to find Abby." 

"Abby? Oh you mean the nurse? Why? I thought she was just a friend." She sounded angry. Well too bad. He turned to her and looked at the ground, thinking. He took a deep breath and looked up. 

"Abby's not just my friend. She's... My everything." He ran out the door. He had to tell her, make her listen. And he had to do it now. 

* * * * * * * * * 

Abby lay on her couch in a pair of baggy pyjamas. He hair was pulled back in a messy pony tail. She was surrounded by tissues, her eyes red and puffy. What was she gonna do now? She had asked herself this question like a million times and she still didn't have an answer. Life with Carter was hard, really hard. But she didn't know if she could actually live without him. It sounded dopey and slushy, but it was true. Carter had been a huge part of her life for two years now. He had been there for her through everything and she could talk to him about anything. Could she really give up on that? Give up on the most important thing in her life? She sighed and wiped her eyes again. What was she doing? She picked up the tub of chocolate ice-cream that was sitting on the table next to her. She pulled the spoon to her mouth. Even ice-cream wasn't helping right now! She jumped as when she heard a knock at the door. Who the hell was that? She comtenplated ignoring it. Chances were it would be someone she didn't want to talk to. Flashbacks on Brian's attack flooded her brain. No, they'd go away. 

KNOCK KNOCK 

Damn! 

"Abby, come on. Open the door." She heard him say impatiently. 

Great! She didn't need this right now. She pulled herself up and over to the door. She spent like five minutes unlocking the door and swung in open. 


	14. chapter 14

He stood leaning against the door, a look of panic and sadness over his face. This was replaced by relief as she opened the door. She was okay! He noticed her red-rimmed eyes. Well, she was okay physically. Mentally, he wasn't so sure. It hurt him to see her like this, knowing that he was probably the reason she had been crying. He marvelled at the fact she could still look amazing in a pair of baggy pyjamas. He decided she looked even better like this than in the ivory dress - if that was possible. She looked natural, comfortable, at home. This, however was not matched by the look on her face. She looked mightily pissed off. But that was Abby - when in doubt turn to anger. He'd learned that the angrier she got, the more she was hurt. He looked right into her deep chocolate eyes. Eyes that he could easily get lost in. She raised her hands to her hips and raised her eyebrows. She was daring him to speak, daring him to try and apologise. He was never one to back out of a dare,   
  
"Hey," he whispered.   
  
"You scared the shit out of me!" She bit back. He ran his hand over his eyes. He didn't realise. She was still freaked out over the attack. And here he was knocking her door like a maniac in the middle of the night.   
  
"Oh god Abby, I'm sorry. I didn't rea...."   
  
"Forget it!" She snapped. There they stood, neither saying anything. He knew she was trying to make him uncomfortable, trying to make this even harder. And why shouldn't she? He deserved it after all. So they stood, looking. After a few moments he finally broke the stalemate and signalled into the apartment,   
  
"Can I come in?"   
  
She didn't say anything, just looked at him further. He knew she was weighing it up. Should she let him in or not? She shifted slightly to the left. If he hadn't been watching her so closely he would have missed it. He didn't know if she was giving him permission or not, but he took a step forward anyway. She opened the door wider but stubbornly stood in the same position as he brushed by. He felt himself shiver as there bodies touched. He looked around her apartment. He noticed the tissues scattered over the floor next to the couch and the half eaten container of ice-cream on the table. Mmmm, chocolate! Again, he felt a sharp jab of pain knowing he was the one that had upset her. He hated to think of her sitting alone crying. She slammed the door behind him and stamped by him into the kitchen. This was going to be much harder that he thought. Oh well, the road to forgiveness is thorny, or long, or whatever   
the saying was.   
  
She filled the kettle with water and put it on, banging in every action. He sat at the table, waiting for her to sit and listen to him. She continued to bang around. She dumped a spoonful on coffee into two cups and stood with her back to him waiting for the kettle to boil. She drummed her fingers on the counter impatiently. She was stalling. He knew it. It was his punishment for acting like a jerk. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to know what was wrong,   
  
"Are you okay?" She stopped drumming but kept her back to him.   
  
"Fine."   
  
"You don't seem fine." He wasn't sure how far to push his luck. She was at least willingly to listen right now, but one wrong word and she would close up and throw him out. Of that he was sure. Still, he took a chance, "Why did you leave?"   
  
"I didn't feel well."   
  
"Oh. Anything serious?"   
  
"Just felt nauseous" she replied coldly. 'Can you blame me?' She thought. Seeing him drool all over the cover girl was enough to make anyone sick!   
  
"Oh."   
  
His eyes bore into her back. He wished she would turned round, look at him. Angry he could handle but he hated it when she got cold and distant. It was then he had a hard time convincing himself that she cared. When she was angry he knew she at least felt something towards him. They sat in silence for a few minutes. He didn't know what to say next and she couldn't trust herself to talk.   
  
The kettle boiled and Abby filled to cups. She turned and dumped Carter's in front of him. She decided it was probably safe to sit across from him. She could just about manage that without breaking down.   
  
"What did you mean?" The look of confusion on her delicate features made him elaborate,   
  
"You said you were happy I had moved on, not to call you and that you'd be okay now."   
  
"You obviously didn't listen" she replied sarcastically, avoiding his question. He raised his eyebrows in question. She felt her resolve break as the desire to explain took over. Damn him!   
  
"I was... I... The guy obviously heard me wrong. I said that I was going home but I'd be fine.   
You didn't have to call. You were to stay and have fun." She lied. Well why let him know what she was thinking? Did he really deserve it? Hell no!   
  
"Oh." They sat in silence again, drinking their coffee. Abby was in turmoil. Should she tell him what was really on her mind? Or just keep the ice-maiden act up? What he said next made her mind up for her.   
  
"I'm sorry." He said quietly, not really sure whether it was wise to go there. But he knew he had to - wise or not. She avoided his gaze and feigned ignorance,   
  
"What for?" He paused and braced himself,   
  
"I'm sorry for acting like a complete asshole tonight," he sounded so sincere that she decided to ease up on him,   
  
"It's not as if I'm not used to it!" He wasn't sure what to say to that and was relieved to see her laugh.   
  
"I'm joking Carter."   
  
"Right." He knew he should probably stop while slightly behind. She was talking to him now. But he couldn't help it. He didn't want it to be added to the list of the unsaid. The things they laughed off even though it had really hurt, so he continued,   
  
"Anyway, I'm really, truly sorry for acting that way, I was being an idiot." Abby turned serious. She didn't like where this conversation was going. It was heading in a direction that meant opening up to him.   
  
"Were you? I didn't notice." Denial. If she pretended it didn't happen, then maybe it didn't.   
  
"Yeah I was." Then again, maybe not. "I'm sorry I ignored you when I was with Sophie. And I'm sorry I ran off and left you. I was... Feeling uncomfortable."   
  
"I make you feel uncomfortable? Anyway, it doesn't matter." She leaned back in her chair, letting it all brush over her. So he was sorry. It didn't matter.   
  
"It does."   
  
"No Carter, it doesn't." She said more forcefully, her eyes pleading with his not to go there.   
  
"It does matter because... I... I wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry." There he had said it. Her eyes darkened as she stared at him. He watched her features harden at his admission. She stood up, towering above him. Looking down she said coldly,   
  
"Then I think you should go." She walked out of the kitchen into the living room. He sat at the table for a few seconds. 'I went too far!' He thought as he mentally slapped himself. He scraped the chair back and followed after her.   
  
"Abby..."   
  
"I don't want to hear it."   
  
"Please..."   
  
"Just go Carter." She snapped. "Go back to the party. Go back to the blond!" She didn't bother to cover the bitterness behind her words.   
He stood in front of her, "What? Are you... Are you jealous?"   
  
"No" she answered quickly, too quickly.   
  
"Yes you are. You're jealous." If he sounded like he was gloating, he didn't mean to. He was just amazed Abby had admitted it. Well, she hadn't came right out and said it but he knew that was what she was feeling.   
  
"No, I'm...angry. And yeah, congratulations, you hurt me!" He words cut through him. She had every right to be bitter. He had hurt her - deliberately. He deserved everything he got.   
  
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, ashamed.   
  
"Are you? You just said you were trying to. Why?"   
  
"I don't..." He looked at the floor, ashamed of the way he had acted. He shrugged lightly, "I was an idiot okay? You hurt me and..." He knew it wasn't an excuse but if it helped explain his behaviour...   
  
"When did *I* hurt *you*?" She spat.   
  
"You know when. You ignored my feelings..." His voice became harder. He suddenly remembered why he had wanted to hurt her, even though he knew it was wrong.   
  
"God Carter! That was back in May. What did you expect? That I'd fall into your arms and we'd live happily ever after? Come on! You know life isn't that simple. I was with Luka."   
  
"Luka" Carter said simply.   
  
"Yeah. And if I remember correctly I was willing to give us a shot and you, *you*, said no." Her voice was getting louder with every word, her anger taking over. The hell with cold, calm and collected, this guy was pissing her off. He was trying to make her feel bad because they weren't together.   
  
"You weren't over Luka" his anger was building too. Abby threw her arms in the air,   
  
"God!" She yelled, exasperated, "How many times do we have to have this argument? I wasn't still interested in Luka. I wasn't on the rebound. You were the one that didn't want to move forward. I just didn't want to see Luka get hurt by Nicole."   
  
"Yeah, whatever." They were both moving around the living room as they continued to yell.   
  
"Dammit Carter! I've said this like a hundred times. How about you listen this time! That night by the river, I... Was...not, still hung up on Luka. I couldn't have been. Like I told you before, I never loved him in the first place!"   
  
Carter's voice became quieter but his pain was still apparent as he slumped down onto the couch,   
  
"Then why...?"   
  
"I don't know." She knew what he was asking. She really didn't know why she had started dating Luka. She was attracted to him, but that was as far as it went. They didn't have anything in common. "He was upset over Carol leaving, my divorce had just been finalised...   
  
"Okay fine. But why Luka? Why not m... Why was it Luka?" The anger was gone no, pain all that was left.   
  
"You meant why wasn't it you?" He broke eye contact. She could see he was hurting so she sat down next to him. She turned into him and reached out. She lifted his chin with her finger and forced his eyes onto hers. It was time. He had to know the truth, "I knew I couldn't be with you and *not* be with you."   
  
He continued to watch her begin to open up. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion,   
  
"What?" She let go of his chin, feeling the intensity of his stare. She could see so much pain. It was her who broke eye contact this time. She wasn't sure if she could do this. She took a deep breath,   
  
"I had just separated from Richard. I was hurt and vulnerable. Luka and I... There was no risk. I knew I wouldn't fall in love with him. It was just sex...and having someone there so the apartment wasn't empty - you know? I couldn't have had that with you."   
  
"Why? Why not?" He prepared himself. Did he really want to know? Did he want to hear her say she didn't love him? That he wasn't good enough for her. He squeezed his eyes shut.   
  
"Because!" She blurted, raising her voice. Was he blind? She looked down, embarrassed and continued, her voice softer, "Because I knew..." It was now or never, "I knew... You were a risk. I couldn't be with you and *not* fall in love with you. I wasn't ready to go through that again. And you were just back from rehab. It wouldn't have been the healthiest start to a relationship.   
  
Oh God! She had said it. She had finally admitted why she had chosen Luka. She began to hear a thumping in her ear and realised it was her heartbeat. Carter sat there shell shocked. She hadn't said that she loved him, just that she could. That was a start - right? Anger began to build. He felt worse knowing this not better. Knowing that she hadn't even been willing to give them a chance.   
  
"So, what? You decided to bin me off because you were afraid that you would fall in love?   
  
"That's not..." He stood up, interrupting her. He swung round to look at her.   
  
"Face it! You were a coward. You weren't afraid we wouldn't work out. You were afraid we would. So you ran away."   
  
"You don't know what you're talking ab..."   
  
"What is it Abby? Are you scared of being happy? You like being miserable? Coz I sure as hell don't. But you, you make me miserable."   
  
Abby began to yell back. How dare he? She had been trying to explain. She had, in her own way, told him she loved him. And he acted like this? She jumped off the couch and began waving her arms in the air to emphasise what she was saying.   
  
"Well you know what? I'm sorry - okay? So sure, maybe the idea of being happy scares me but I haven't been happy very often... And whenever I was, Maggie would try to kill herself, or try to hurt us, or disappear for days leaving us alone and scared. Or Richard would forget we were married and jump into bed with some blond, and my happiness would be replaced by misery and pain. So please, forgive me for being scared. Misery? It's what I know! And I'm sorry if I make you miserable. That's the last thing I want to do - pull you into my world." She began to walk over to the door. "I think... I think you should just go." She opened it and looked across at Carter who was standing dumbstruck, "Please, just go."   
  
She stood there leaning against the door for support. She was emotionally drained. He watched her. She looked so helpless, so fragile. He realised he was being stupid and decided he had to take action. He had to do what he never thought he would. He had to tell her.   
He walked across to her and took the door from her grasp,   
  
"No"   
  
"No?" Their roles had changed. He was the strong one now. At least on the outside. He closed the door and stood in front of her.   
  
"I don't want to go." Abby slowly shook her head.   
  
"Look, I can't do this. I can't keep telling myself that we're fine, that we're friends. I keep saying I won't let you hurt me, but I always come back for more. Well, I can't do it anymore." She couldn't stand this close to him so she began to walk slowly back to the living room, beaten. She waved back with her hand, "Just go. I'm sure Sophie's waiting for you." She couldn't stop herself. It took him two large steps and he was by her side. He took hold of her shoulder,   
  
"You don't get it do you? I don't give a damn about Sophie!" Abby snorted,   
  
"Yeah? Sure looked that way tonight."   
  
"I know what you must be thinking..."   
  
"It doesn't matter what I think. Just go...be happy."   
  
"Sophie won't make me happy." Only one person could make him happy.   
  
"Carter, Just go. I don't care if you wanna be with some empty-headed socialite. I don't care if you move on. I can't help it if you're not happy. But staying here, it's gonna kill us both. I want you to go. As of now, Carter and Abby are no more. There's nothing between us..."   
  
"That's not true!"   
  
I can't do this. We're not friends" She shook his hand off the shoulder and turned away from him, "We're finished. Move on. Us? We're in the past."   
  
"Dammit Abby, we're not in the past. Why won't you listen to me? I love you."   
  
She spun round and looked at him. There, he had said it. Now what? 


	15. chapter 15

Chapter 15 

Abby stood, awe-struck. Had he just said...? No! It had to be a dream - right? She had misheard. She was desperate to ask him but she didn't want to face the truth just yet - that he didn't mean it. She just wanted to savour the moment. Here was the guy she had been in love with for... Well it seemed like forever, telling her he loved her too. So she stood there, looking down, unable to meet his eyes in case he was kidding. She wanted him to say it again, to make her believe it. 

But he just stood there watching her, searching for a reaction. Had he made a mistake by telling her? Would they be okay now? Or would this finish them? He contemplated ignoring his feelings, pretending he hadn't said anything but that hadn't worked last time. They had made the decision to be friends up on the roof yet, here they were a couple of weeks later in the same position - questioning their relationship, pushing each other away. When she said they were finished he knew he couldn't hide it anymore. He had to tell her. He had already lost the most important thing in the world - what was left? No, pretending he felt nothing didn't work. So he chose the other road. The road less travelled. He couldn't back out now. He wouldn't give up on them like that. He saw her confusion and uncertainty so he repeated himself, this time more softly, 

"I love you." 

She looked up at him, eyes unreadable, and laughed bitterly. He felt like he had been stabbed in the heart. Not the response he was hoping for. 

"No you don't." Her laughter faded and was replaced by the familiar look of pain, regret and sadness. She knew he didn't love her - he loved Susan. 

"Yes I do." He replied firmly, his eyes pleading hers to believe him, "I love you." 

"No! You're just... This is just an attempt to fix everything. Well it won't work!" 

"Why won't you believe me? Is it so hard for you to accept someone could love you?" 

"It might have been more convincing if you hadn't spent the night flirting with some blond. Or if you hadn't just broke up with another one. You're so clearly on the rebound... What? Sophie turned you down?" She knew she was being harsh, but she couldn't help it. It was her defence mechanism - if something hurts, be a bitch and don't let it show. She hated that he could hurt her like this. What? Was she supposed to feel grateful that Carter had finally noticed her hanging around? Would he really be there if he could have hooked up with someone else? No way. It would be a case of Abby who? She knew it! Did he really think she was that stupid? Carter threw his hands in the air, 

"God Abby! You really think that? Why would you even want o be friends with someone who would use you like that?" 

"If you had been listening, you'd have known I said we're not friends - not anymore." She yelled. She saw him flinch. Good! He deserved it - right? Yeah. 

"Fine!" He spat. 

"Fine! What does that mean?" 

"It means fine. If that's what you want then okay, I won't be part of your life anymore. If you really think I would use you like that then fine, I'll leave you alone." He turned and began to walk towards the door. 

"Carter... I'm sorry." She said. She didn't believe he loved her, but she didn't want him to hate her either. This was Carter. Did she really believe he could be so... Spiteful? She shook her head "I know... You wouldn't deliberately use me or..." She slumped down on the couch, unable to go on, and buried her head in her hands. She fought back her tears, this was so hard. "I'm a horrible person. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. It's just...why would anyone love me? I'm bitter, angry, unhappy... 

His heart broke. She was in so much pain - most of it caused by him. Did she really believe that was the type of person she was? He went to her and let his arms envelope her small frame. They sat there for a few minutes, in silence, just giving each other the support they needed. He spoke softly, 

"They'd love you because you care. Because, even though you pretend to be strong, inside you're just as lost and fragile as the rest of us. He put his finger on her chin and turned her head to face him. He looked into her deep eyes, 

"*I* love you Abby. I love how capable you are, how complicated you are. I love that you're there for me no matter what. I love that you let me in, let me see parts of you that no one else gets to see. I love that you were strong enough to report me when you saw me shooting up - you saved my life. When I came back from rehab, my friends, people I had worked with for years... They didn't see me anymore. They saw a drug addict but you, you never judged me. You were there for me unconditionally. And for that, I love you. I love that you let me help you when no one else could - with Maggie, your drinking. I love that you know me and I know you. I love how funny you are, your smile and how it can make even the crappiest day worth it. I love that just seeing you can make me happier than I've ever been. I love all of you. Your insecurities, your fears - all of you. Last year if you had asked me what I think about before I fell asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning O would have said drugs - no question. Now... It's you. Your everything, and I don't want to lose you." Finally! Everything he felt was out. He noticed how dazed she looked and tried to lighten things up, 

"I mean, who else would let me make a huge speech without telling me to shut up?" He chuckled slightly, trying to cover his nerves. He had laid it all out. His heart, his soul, and she wasn't saying anything. 

Abby sat trying to absorb this. He...he loved her. He hadn't been lying. He really did love her. No one had ever said anything like that to her before - not even Richard. She watched him wait, wait for her response. She opened her mouth but couldn't find the words. How could anything she said compare to that? He had bared his soul to her - and she couldn't even speak, tell him she felt the same way. She was so overwhelmed. 

Carter took her silence as her answer and slowly nodded. He understood. She didn't feel the same way. He stood, his heart heavy and walked to the door. Now it really was over. 

Abby watched him walk away. Like all the other times she'd let him walk away in the past. But now it was different - she knew how he felt. Could she really let him go? Let him walk out of her life forever? As he turned the handle, she found her voice. She leapt up and ran over tom him, 

"Don't!" She begged. He turned with a pained expression. She slowly walked the rest of the way toward the door. As she reach him she whispered, "Don't go." They were standing so close now. She raised her hand to his cheek and stroked it softly. He leaned into it, savouring her touch, 

"I can't let you walk away again. I was just...shocked. What you said...overwhelmed me..." He raised a finger to her lips to silence her and then place it on top of her hand. His eyes full of conflicting emotions looked down on hers. 

"Abby," he whispered slowly, not sure he could do this. He sighed, "you need time." She began to protest, shaking her head violently but again he silenced her, "Ten minutes ago you were standing there telling me to go and leave you, now you're begging me to stay. I don't think you know what you want. I'm...gonna go away, just for a while. I think we both need some time apart to think things over." 

"Please don't do this," she begged, a tear rolling down her cheek. She couldn't fight them back anymore. He couldn't leave her. 

"You need to figure out what you want," he gently kissed her forehead, "I love you" An he was gone. Abby slumped to the floor against the door whispering, 

"I want you." But he was gone. He had left her. She hugged her body tight and gently rocked herself. And for the second time that night, Abby sat alone, crying. 


	16. chapter 16

A/N: Sorry these chapters are so short! 

Chapter Sixteen 

E-mail: cheeza@supanet.com 

It had been days...weeks...months since she's talked to him. Well okay, maybe not months, but it felt like it. She didn't know where he'd gone. He was just...away. Not that she missed him. What were 15 days, 6 hours and...oh...42 minutes anyway? It was nothing! It did hurt that he hadn't told her where he was though. Or if he was ever coming back! All she knew was he had talked to Weaver and then took off. And she heard that from one of the other nurses. 

Bastard! 

She thought he was different. Yeah right! He was just like everyone else - he abandoned her. Just like Richard, just like Luka, just like everyone else in her life...he got fed up and walked away! She knew that it hurt more this time though. The others were nothing compared to Carter. Just physical. Not John. She had trusted him...let him see her - the real her...but it ended the same was. Another door closed in her face. Unlike the other times, she had wanted this one to stay open. 

'Unreachable' was the word everyone used, looking at her with sad eyes. She didn't want their pity. She didn't want any of this. She just wanted him here, holding her, promising he would never let her go. Not that she'd admit it. 

He was gone. Nothing changed. The world kept spinning, people got on with their lives. No major problem. But not her. She closed herself off, became like him...unreachable. She just went through the motions. Everyday she went to work, came home, slept. All the time pretending she didn't feel that hint of excitement every time the phone rang or someone knocked on her door. But it was never him. She didn't know if it would be ever again. Was he coming back? He still had a job...but it wasn't like he needed it. 

She looked around her empty apartment drained - physical, emotionally. So many feeling. Fear, anger, pain, loneliness...not that she'd ever let anyone see. She'd never let anyone close again. She'd learned her lesson. 

She dropped her head into her hands. She wouldn't cry. She refused to cry. Too much time had been wasted on tears. No more. 

So instead she sat there in the darkness and wondered how two weeks could feel like a lifetime. And how silent and empty her apartment was compared to two weeks ago. How silent and empty she now was. Funny how things change when you're truly alone. He had gone. The last person that meant anything real to her, the last person who ever showed her a glimpse of happiness was gone. So, she sat, breathing in the silence. This is what her life had become. A vast wasteland of silence, coldness. 

But it didn't last. Silence was interrupted but the shrill of the phone. And there it was. The feeling of hope and relief rose from the pit of her stomach and out through her throat. 

"John" she whispered into the emptiness. Her hope was immediately replaced by regret and sadness. It wouldn't be him...it never was. 

She found herself holding the phone. It wouldn't be him. 

"Hello," she answered, her voice hollow and empty. 


	17. chapter 17

He held the phone to his ear, patiently waiting. He was used to it by now - waiting. He had been waiting all his life. Waiting to find her - his soul mate. And then he had and he was still waiting...waiting for her to realise it. Two weeks! Two whole entire weeks without contact with her. Without knowing if she was okay. He missed her like crazy. Her passion, her spirit. He missed watching her, seeing her smile - something he hadn't seen recently - he missed her face. He couldn't do it anymore. He had waited long enough...it was now or never. 

He heard a voice and realised the phone had been answered, "Hello," she said. 

"Hey..." His voice was quiet. Did he really want this? To go back? What if nothing had changed...if she still couldn't admit it? 

"Carter? Is that you?" 

"Yeah." 

"Where are you?" 

"Um...I'm in Boston. I was staying with my Dad for a couple of weeks. I just...needed to get away." He trailed off. It was time, "I'm coming back. I should be back in the next couple of days. Could you tell Weaver?" 

"Great! Yeah, I'll let her know." She was silent for a moment, "Carter are you okay? You sound...different....distant." 

"I'm fine...I...How are things?" 

"Things? Yeah things are fine. Work's hectic but when is it not?" She chuckled slightly. She wasn't helping. He wished she knew what he was really asking. He needed to be in Chicago...he needed to know if she was okay. 

"How's...everyone?" He heard her breathing, trying to determine how the question should be answered. 

"She's fine Carter. She's...she's...Abby. What more can I say?" Was this what he wanted to hear? Part of him was happy...happy she was okay. But the other part wanted her to be missing him - selfish, yeah. But at least it meant she cared. 

"Thanks Susan. I'll see you later." He hung up. Yeah, it was time. The waiting was over. 


	18. chapter 18

Chapter 18 

E-mail me at: cheeza@supanet.com 

A/N: I just wanna thank everyone for the great reviews, I really appreciate them all! 

Summary: Abby's having a bad day. 

"Fine!" 

She slammed the phone down. Damn Weaver! She didn't need this right now. She didn't need to be at that hospital.. Being alone at home is bad enough, but being there reminded her all the more that he was gone. Not that she could forget. But...well, you can't really argue with Weaver. Damn nurse shortage! Why couldn't it have been him? Why couldn't he phone? Why couldn't he be here? Damn Carter! 

She pulled her coat on and marched to the door, slamming it hard behind her. She stamped down the stairs and headed to County. It was freezing out. No change there then! Damn weather! She really just wanted to scream at the top of her voice, to vent all the frustration. How dare he make her feel like this? How dare he walk out on her? Well she'd show them. Abby Lockhart didn't need anyone. 

As she walked along some guy banged into her. She spun round, letting her anger boil over, 

"Watch where you're going, dammit!" She yelled. The look on the guys face was almost enough to make her smile. He practically wet himself, 

"Oh god, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you. I..." He babbled, waving his hands apologetically. 

"Yeah, well next time pay attention!" She snapped before walking off. She walked down the street daring someone else to bump into her, just so she could yell at them. But the person she really wanted to yell at...well, he was 'unreachable'. 

* * * * * 

Within fifteen minutes she was standing outside the entrance to the ER. She had managed to complete her journey without verbally assaulting any more pedestrians. But then again...the night was still young... 

* * * * * 

Two hours, four traumas and zero coffee breaks later, Abby was still in the same mood. Everyone was starting to avoid her now because every time they spoke to her, she snapped at them. She stood in the ladies toilets cursing. Damn kids! 

"Why is it always me? Do they see me coming and think... 'Look there's Abby, let's make her day even worse by puking up all over her'...? Damn kids! She just wanted to be at home, alone, in bed. But no...she had to clean up after a bunch of kids who ate too much ice-cream. 

She shoved the bathroom door open and marched into the lounge. God did she need coffee! Dammit! The coffee pot was empty! 

'Could my day get any worse?' She wondered, filling the coffee pot. As if in answer, Susan Lewis entered the lounge. Great! 

"Hi Abby!" She said, smiling. 

Great! 'That's all I need... Miss...freakin'...Sunshine. She growled hello at Susan, who backed off and went to her locker. It wasn't that she didn't like Susan...it was just...Susan had kinda taken her place. She had noticed how close Carter and Susan had become. Things between Carter and her had been...strained...to say the least these past few months and it bugged her to know that he talked to Susan instead of her. He had Susan now...he didn't need Abby. 

She stood impatiently tapping her foot, waiting for the coffee, 

"Come on!" She snapped. 

Dr Weaver entered the lounge. She could feel the tension in the room. 

"Coffee not ready Abby?" She asked. 

"No." Abby snapped back. She was just standing there for the sake of it! God was that woman stupid! 

"Okay, I'll wait" Weaver sat at the table and started going over some charts. "So...ah Abby...have you...heard from John recently?" She asked. 

Abby kept her back to her, "No, why would I have heard from him?" She tried to keep the venom out of her voice. 

"No, I was just wondering if you knew when he was coming back." 

"No. I don't!" 

Susan pulled herself into her lab coat, "He'll be back in the next few days," she said. 

Abby turned round and glared at her. How did she know when he'd be back? Had she spoken to him? Did she know where he was? 

"Did he tell you why he left?." Weaver asked. 

"He just said he needed some time away." 

"Right." Kerry replied simply, before Malik pushed the door open. 

"Dr Weaver, we need you. GSW rolling up" 

"Do you need a hand?" Susan asked. 

"No, I got it." Weaver replied, going out the door and leaving Abby and Susan alone again. 

They stood in silence for a few minutes. God! When will this damn coffee be ready? Abby didn't want to be trapped in the room any longer than was necessary. She finally lost her patients, 

"For god's sake! What's taking so long? Is this thing even working?" She banged on the top of it. She sighed, stood with her arms crossed and resumed tapping her feet. 

"It might help if you didn't hit it." Susan replied. Abby just glared at her. Susan was the one who broke the silence. 

"Yeah...so...how're things?" She asked, searching for conversation. 

"Fine!" 

Susan nodded her head, "Good, good! So...um...yeah...Carter'll be back in a few days." she stuttered. 

Abby fixed her eyes on Susan and asked coldly, "So you spoke to him?" 

"Yeah, he called me a couple of hours ago. He's in Boston with his Father." 

Abby raised her eyebrows and shrugged. So he had called Susan?! Bastard! 

"I'm surprised you haven't heard from him." Susan continued innocently. 

"Why?" 

"Well...you two are really close...aren't you? I figured you'd have spoken to him." 

"Well I haven't." 

"Oh." 

"And we're not that close." 

It was Susan who raised her eyebrows this time, "You are practically joined at the hip." 

Abby glared at her again, "Yeah, well not anymore!" She shook her heard, "This damn coffee machine!" She hit it again and stormed out of the room. God! She couldn't even get a cup of coffee without someone mentioning Carter. 

She leaned against the wall, banging her head slightly. So he was alive then. She hated him! How could he have called Susan? Susan! He was supposed to be in love with *her*. Yeah well she didn't need him. He could call Susan all he liked - she didn't care! She stood cursing the Carter name for a few minutes before someone interrupted. 

"Abby, we need you!" 

She pushed herself off the wall and ran after the gurney. 'I'm glad someone does!' She though bitterly. 

A/N: Sorry about the lack of action in the chapter. It's not very good but it was rushed. I'll try and do better next time! 

Theresa 


	19. chapter 19

Chapter 19 

Summary: Yet another bad day for Abby! 

E-mail@ cheeza@supanet.com 

Abby stamped into the ER, her break over. Her mood still the same as it was three days ago. She had yelled at a couple more pedestrian on her way over today. Still, it didn't make her feel any better. There was only one person she wanted to yell at and he wasn't around. 

Boston. What was in Boston anyway? 'It's not like he's even close to his Father,' she thought. Well he could stay there for all she cared. He probably would anyway. He had probably found another empty headed solcialite called...Cookie...that he had fallen madly in love with. They were probably in bed right now, planning their wedding and laughing about the girl he abandoned back in Chicago. Yeah well he could have his new life, and his new wife. She hoped he'd wake up ten years from now, look round at the wasteland he called a life and realise what he had missed out on. 'I could have made his happy!' She thought. Ooh, she really wished he was here so that she could yell at him, or punch him, or something. 

She sighed, he may be in Boston with his new wife, planning his perfect life, but here she was stuck working in a place where everything screamed 'Carter' at her. Maybe she should move. Maybe she should find someone new. Someone who couldn't hurt her. 

"Come on Abby, your break finished five minutes ago." Weaver yelled from the other side of the ER She rolled her eyes. God did that woman ever jump down from her broomstick? That was one woman that just bugged her. Maybe it was Weaver's fault. If Weaver hadn't dragged her down to the ER for 'experience' she would never had fallen for Carter. Yeah, that's it! It was Weaver's fault. And Carter's, with those damn puppy dog eyes and his damn sympathetic ear. Bastard! 

"Abby! I said get back to work!" Weaver yelled again. 

"Yes your majesty!" She mumbled. All bow down before Queen Weaver. She'd like to take that cane off her and ram it up her... 

"Now!" Abby saluted as Weaver turned her back. Rolling her eyes she stamped over to the lounge. 

She slammed the lounge door shut, thankful that it was empty. She pulled her coat off and walked to her locker. She fiddled about with the locker, trying to open it. It was somehow stuck, 

"Damn piece of crap!" She snapped through clenched teeth. God she was even yelling at her locker now. Was ther some big conspiracy to make her day as shitty as possible? She finally pulled it open and stuffed her coat inside. She spun round, ready for the madhouse. She jumped backwards...noticing someone at the door. 

"Jesus Christ!" She hadn't even realised someone had come in. Shaking aside her surprise, she focused on the face. Here eyes widened in surprise. Great! 

"Hey," It said. She raised her eyebrows in reply. She stood absorbing the silence, rolling her eyes. She crossed her arms. Well this conversation sure was stimulating. She cursed herself for speaking first, 

"So you're back then." She stated, her voice void of any emotion. 

"Yeah." 

"Yeah, well...I've got patients to see." She said impatiently. She couldn't be bothered with this. 

"Wait, how are you?" 

"I'm great. Fantastic! How about you?" She asked, her tone suggesting she didn't really care, "How was Boston?" 

"Okay, I guess." Another silence filled the room. She had imagined their reunion conversation many times. In her mind there had been yelling, lots of yelling. This...this was a big letdown. 

"Is that it?" She snapped. When he didn't answer she stormed by him, "Tell Cookie I said hello!" 

She walked out of the room, feeling sligthly triumphant, leaving him with a confused look on his face. Who the hell was Cookie? 

A/N: Hey! Another rushed chapter I'm afraid. Sorry that they're all telling Abby's POV right now, I just find it easier (and much more fun) writing angry Abby than writing depressed Carter. Does that say something about me? 

Anyway, next chapter will be up later tonight, so check it out!! 

Also thanks for the reviews! 

~ Theresa 


	20. chapter 20

Chapter 20 

The rest of the day wasn't any better. He had been following her round like a puppy dog, one that she would quite cheerfully put down at this moment in time. Her day had consisted of "Not now Carter" "Leave me alone Carter" "God away Carter". Still he didn't seem to listen. She knew she'd have to talk to him eventually, but I t would be when she was ready. 

She brought her cigarette back up to her lips and inhaled. Her shift had finished fifteen minutes ago but she didn't feel like going home. No matter how pissed off she was at Carter, it didn't change the fact that her apartment felt empty when he wasn't there. So she stood on the roof, a cigarette and her thoughts her only companions. 

She heard the door open and sure enough here he came, wagging his tail. Someone really should call the animal shelter. She didn't bother turning round, 

"Stalking's a criminal offence you know." She snapped, rolling her eyes. 

"Funny" 

"Who's joking," she shot back. Boy was she good at this. Being a bitch came son naturally. 

"Abby, we have to talk about this..." He whined. 

"I did want to talk. Two weeks ago." 

"I know you're hurt..." He knew just the right buttons to press. How dare he assume he had hurt her - even if it was true. She turned to face him, narrowing her eyes, 

"No, you don't. I'm way passed hurt right now. Two weeks ago I was hurt. Now I'm just pissed!" She said, the anger behind her words beginning to show. 

"Why?" She raised her eyebrows in surprise. 

"You wanna know why? Yeah, well I wanted to know why you walked away two weeks ago. That's why!" 

He just looked at her, his eyes full of regret. She started speaking again, not bothering to contain her anger anymore. 

"I'm angry because you did it again. You dumped all your feelings on me then ran away, just like in May. And I let you!" She began poking her finger into his chest, "I'm angry because you disappeared for two weeks, *two weeks* and you didn't even have the decency to tell me where you were." Her voice became louder, "I'm angry because all I've done for the past two weeks is worry about *you*. I'm angry because every time my phone rang or someone knocked on my door I hoped it was you and I'm angry because it never was" Her anger became so intense she began to shake. She threw her hand in the air, 

"Two weeks! You could've called. Let me know you were okay, that you were alive. But no! You had to call Miss Peppy instead! Do you have any idea how much of an asshole you are? You a big freakin' asshole. I don't think I've ever been as mad at anyone as I am right now." She turned her back to him. 

Carter stood watching her. This was pretty much what he'd expected. So she knew he called Susan. Is that why she was angry? "So... All this is because you are jealous that I called Susan instead of you?" She spun back round pointing, 

"Don't you dare do that! Don't make me out to be petty. Think about it Carter. How would you feel if I disappeared for two weeks, without calling? How would you feel if...Luka...casually mentioned I called him instead?" 

"Point taken," he knew he should have called her instead, "I just wanted to give you some time to think." 

"Yeah, well I've had plenty of time! I realised that me and you would be a mistake! I wanna be with someone I trust. Someone who won't just disappear on me. And that isn't you." 

"Ab..." 

"I don't want to hear it Carter! Just go away!" 

He stood for a few seconds just looking at her. He could see the hurt and disappointment in her eyes.. He saw her shaking with anger, but beneath that he say that she was going to break. He didn't want to be the one to break her. He wanted to hold her and tell her he was sorry. She broke eye contact with him ad turned round, looking out over the city. 

She didn't want him to see her cry. Big, fat tears rolled down her face. She didn't think she had any tears left. She heard him sigh and turn to leave, 

"You want to know the big irony in all of this?" She heard him stop, and continued without turning to face him. "None of this would have happened if you hadn't spent the night flirting with that blond thing at the party." 

"Come on Abby, I couldn't have held my feelings in any longer. It would have happened eventually," 

"You remember I ran up to you saying I had to talk? Yeah, well I had just spoken to Richard. He'd seen us together earlier and for the first time ever, he saw me, what I was feeling, and he knew what I'd been trying to deny for months." 

Did he want to hear this? Did he really want to hear her say she was still in love with her ex? Probably not, but some twisted part of him had to hear her say it, to know that there was no chance for them, 

"What?" Abby took a deep breath. 

"He could see how I felt about you. He told me to tell you before it was too late. When I came over, that's what I was gonna do. Tell you how I felt about you, me...us." 

Carter was taken aback. This he hadn't expected. So maybe there was still some hope. 

"What would you have said?" He asked softly. 

"It doesn't matter now. I left it too late." She turned her back to him again. She couldn't watch him walk away...not after last time. He walked to the door and as he walked through it he whispered, 

"It's never too late." 

And she broke. She let all the tears fall. Why did she do this every time? She never told him what she wanted to. She told him the opposite. She didn't want him to leave. She wanted him to stay, to force her to admit that she loved him. But he didn't, so she stood on the rood and cried. Maybe he wasn't strong enough. Was she? 

She stood there thinking 'til no more tears would fall. Maybe he was right. Maybe it wasn't too late. The only thing stopping her from telling him was her pride. But he had taken the first step...he had told her how he felt. Maybe it was her turn. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and ran towards the door. His shift finished in ten minutes. Carter wasn't going to walk out of her life...she wouldn't let him. 

A/N: I'd like to apologise! I've been reading over my fic and basically I think I've drawn it out way too much! So sorry, if it got boring! You'll all be happy to know that the next chapter will be the last. After that I'm going to read all the fuzz infested stories to make up for all the chapters of angst I've written. The last chapter should be up tomorrow. So...will Abby get Carter? Or will it be too late? Next chapter you find out if they really are meant to be! 

Theresa 


	21. chapter 21

Chapter 21 

This, my friends, is the final chapter of meant to be. Before I write it, I wanna thank a couple of people. Firstly, I wanna thank everyone who reviewed - Em, Cristallo, lyns, charlotte and all the others who reviewed. If it wasn't for you guys I would have stopped writing this a long time ago. (Maybe I shouldn't be thanking you then, lol) Secondly I wanna thank my little cousin Sarah-Lou, whom I force fed every single chapter! Sorry! That's about it! I could mention everyone else I know but I'll save that for my Oscar's acceptance speech!! 

Anyway, just...thank you for sticking with me! Writing this is starting to drive me mad now, but I'll probably miss having to think up chapter ideas. Part of me wants it to go on forever. Also, I'll miss writing Angry Abby - that was fun!! 

So on with the chapter... 

Summary: Are they meant to be? 

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Abby ran down the stairs two at a time. She thought that shouting at Carter would get it out of her system, help her move on, but it just left her feeling guilty and even more alone. No, this was the right thing to do. Even if they couldn't be together...she had to tell him how she felt. She owed him that at least. So she ran, faster than she thought possible. She had to catch him before he left the hospital. If she didn't tell him tonight, she might lose her nerve. The pounding of her feet on the stairs was matched by the pounding of her heart. She...couldn't...lose...him. She began gasping for breath, her lungs felt like they were on fire. 'God! I have to start working out more,' she thought. She ignored the pain, her mind focused on one thing and one thing only - finding Carter. 

She ran down the last flight of stairs, into the ER. She spun round, scanning the crowd. Where the hell was he? She spotted a groups of nurses and ran over to them. As she stopped she doubled over, 

"Have....you seen...Carter," she gasped. They shook there heads. Damn! What if he had left already? She wasn't gonna give up hope - not yet. She ran through the ER, nearly bumping into the wicked witch herself, 

"Watch where you're going Abby," Weaver yelled. 

"Oh bite me!" Abby bit back. She would regret it later - Weaver would make sure of that - but she couldn't be bothered with the chief right now. She had more important things on her mind. She ran up to the admit desk, 

"Hey Frank...where's Carter?" 

"What, do I look like his keeper?" He bit out in his usual sarcasm. 

"Frank!" She yelled, firmly causing people to turn and look at him. 

"Fine, fine," he puffed, "Try over by exam one. If he's not there, then he's away home." 

Abby ran off. Please let him be there. Please let him be there. The door was in sight now, she was nearly there. She had just about made it when a porter slammed a gurney into her side. She doubled over in pain, landing on her butt. The guy rushed over, 

"Are you okay? God! I didn't see you. Are you hurt? Should I get you a doctor?" 

She straightened up slowly, a fierce pain shooting up her right side. Damn porter. She pushed him away, 

"Get off me! I'm fine." She hobbled as fast as she could the rest of the way, holding onto her side and burst through the door to exam one, 

"Carter!" She stopped suddenly, realising there was no one in the room except a male patient. 

"Sorry I think you got the wrong room. I'm Will Palmer." 

She slowly felt herself crumble as she tipped her head back to look at the ceiling. She had missed him...it was too late. She slumped in a chair behind the door and buried her head in her hands. Maybe she had been making a mistake. Maybe she wasn't supposed to tell him. This was god's way of telling her they weren't supposed to be together. 

"Are you okay Miss?" The patient asked politely. 

"No, no I'm not okay." She barely finished the sentence as someone entered the room, 

"Well Mr Palmer your labs are back..." Abby pulled her head up sharply as the voice continued addressing the patient. When he didn't seem to notice she was there she coughed slightly, 

"Um...Dr Carter. Can I...can I talk to you for a moment." He brought his head up from the chart and saw her for the first time. There was a brief look of joy before his face clouded. 

"I'm a little busy right now, can't it wait?" He asked politely, talking as if she were one of his patients. 

"It's important." Her eyes begged him to listen. He had to listen. He, however chose to ignore it. He began speaking again, forgetting they were not alone. What could she possibly want? To tell him just how much she didn't want him, again? 

"Look Abby, I can't deal with this right now. Can't you just yell at me later?" He didn't try to hide the bitterness in his voice. 

"Fine!" She turned and began walking to the door. If he wouldn't listen it was his lose. She had tried her best. As she reached the door she spun back around and walked over to him, she had to make him listen. She spoke a little louder than intended, "You know what? It's not fine! Dammit John, do you have any idea how much you annoy me? You can be so stubborn and pig headed sometimes. You can be a huge pain in the ass and you have this ability to just...drive me crazy!" 

"Gee, thanks Abby!" He said sarcastically. What was she doing? Rubbing salt in the wounds by listing all his bad points? He stood staring at her, challenging her to continue. She paused briefly before continuing, her voice softer, 

"But you make my stomach flip every time I see you. And I know it sounds stupid and cliché, but seeing you really does make my day worthwhile. I was angry and hurt when you started dating Susan. I thought I had lost you. And...I don't know...I wasn't willing to believe what you said because I thought you were on the rebound. I kept pushing you away, not because I didn't want to be with you , but because I was scared. I mean, what would happen if we broke up? I'd lose the most important thing in my life and I really don't think I could cope with that. I'm sorry for freakin' but you're different to all the other guys I've been with, because I know that you can break my heart. No one has ever had that power over me before. Hell not even Richard and I was married to the guy! When I saw him at the charity event he knew how I felt about you. He could see it. He said that I never once looked at him the way I look at you. And...well...I'm not scared anymore. Well I am, but it's not of being with you, it's of being without you. I don't know what I'd do if you weren't in my life. I know I'm rambling and probably making no sense. I suck at things like this. But what I'm trying to say is...well...I love you. Okay? I love you. And I know I didn't put it as eloquently as you, but there it is." 

She immediately felt herself relax. Everything that had been bothering her, everything she'd been keeping locked up inside was finally out in the open. And it felt good. Even if they couldn't be together, it felt good to admit what she felt. A weight had been lifted and she could get on with her life now. She watched Carter for a response, 

"No, that was..good." He breathed. They just stood there watching each other. She finally realised what she had put him through when he told her how he felt. She finally understood the phrase 'the silence is deafening'. She sighed softly and turned to leave. She looked back briefly as she pushed the door open and walked through the ER. 

Carter just stood there. He couldn't speak. She loved him. He realised how she felt two weeks ago. It wasn't that she didn't love him. She was just overwhelmed at his admission, kind of like he was now. He watched her walk away and realised that this was it, act now or he would lose her forever. He looked at his patient, finally realising there was someone else in the room. 

"Well what are you waiting for? Go after her," he said, smiling. 

"Yes sir," Carter ran out the door, towards Abby. He stopped her just as she reached the exit. He grabbed her arm and spun her round to face him. She looked dejected. 

"Hey, where are you going?" He asked, smiling. 

"Well..I just wanted to let you know how I felt and..." She looked down at her feet, unwilling to look at his eyes. 

"And what? Now you're gonna run away? I thought that was my speciality." She looked up at him, her grin matching his own. She shoved his shoulder gently, 

"Shut u..." She felt his lips on hers instantly. Soft, warm. She closed her eyes as the room began to spin slightly. She clung to Carter to stop herself from falling. His hands held her waist, supporting her. Or maybe supporting himself, she didn't know. Everyone else disappeared, leaving only her and Carter. She felt tingles up and down her spine as their lips brushed together. Moulding together perfectly as if they were meant to kiss each other for the rest of their lives...and that was fine with her. She smiled into his mouth. This was everything she could ever want from a kiss. And it was so much more than that, it was a promise. They would be okay. 

Chuny and Haleh stood open mouthed, watching Carter and Abby. Chuny chuckled lightly, 

"It's about time they got it together!" She nudged Haleh, 

"Amen to that!" 

Carter pulled back slowly, needing to see her face. Abby slowly opened her eyes, trying to focus on the man in front of her. He brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. He grinned, "I love you." He whispered. 

"Yeah. I love you too." She paused, her arms still round his neck, just looking at him. No more pain or confusion in his eyes, but a look of complete happiness and love. A look mirrored in her own. They'd be okay. She smiled slightly before asking, "Why...why didn't you give up on me? I mean I must have told you to leave me alone like a million times..." 

"I knew the Carter charm would break you down." She giggled slightly. He looked at her, a serious expression on his face. "I just knew." 

"Knew what?" 

"You and me. We're meant to be." She smiled again. This was love. She knew it. She should have realised it a long time ago. 

"Yeah, I know." And she reach up to kiss him again. Meant to be...she liked the sound of that. 

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A/N: So that's it folks - the end of my very first fanfic! What did you think? I just read it back and I'm not too sure about it. I might re-write it later. I'm faced with a tough choice now that I don't have this fic to write - I can either get a life or write more fics! Ooh that's a hard one! Anyway, thanks for reading! Please review either by clicking below or by e-mail me at: cheeza@supanet.com 


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